210. On Happiness – Alexa Wilding
Photo: Alexa Wilding
When happiness feels out of reach, I say this Sanskrit prayer: May creatures everywhere be happy, healthy, and free. And then I add whatever else feels good.
My son Lou had scans last week. The results were good, all was stable, but we had to wait three miserable days for them. During that time, I was pushed to the limits of patience, grace, and courage. In fact I spent some time with anger, rage, and fear—a gang I try to avoid because who wants to hang out with those assholes—and let me tell you, we had it out. Next time, I won’t be so afraid of them.
It’s hard for people who haven’t been there to understand why scans send even the steeliest of us running up that hill to make a deal with God. We’re all living on borrowed time, no one knows their fate, but scan days push you to the front of the bargain line. It doesn’t matter how many years it’s been, or where you or your loved one land on the spectrum of terrible things—you’re in a Buddhism bootcamp you don’t remember signing up for. It ain’t pretty.
But my child’s clear eyes are gorgeous. His excitement—always—to go to the city, to be put under, to see his team. What does he know that I don’t?
I read once that shamans laugh a lot. So do monks. And when I follow my slapstick, dancing little holy man down the street, I find my heart expanding, my laughs landing deeper in my changed body. What an adventure, what an honor, what a romp.
When happiness feels out of reach, I say this Sanskrit prayer: May creatures everywhere be happy, healthy, and free. And then I add whatever else feels good. This past scan day it was: May those of us on this tough road be lucky enough to find the community they need, like the one I’ve landed in, where beloved friends hold our trembling hands, laugh at our stupid jokes, see us for who we are: scared, hopeful, basking in your brave and tender love.
– Alexa Wilding
