217. A Good Path - Misty Watson
Finding myself isolated within an illness over which I have no control once again—not being able to plan or live my life as I’d like—has worn thin, and I have not been a graceful presence in recent months
I lived with chronic migraines for eight years, with upwards of twenty-five migraine days each month. In the final eighteen months, my condition escalated. Along with the migraines, I began experiencing brainstem auras, which in my case were life-threatening. I never knew when they would happen, and my husband and I moved through life in a panicked haze.
Then came remission: 168 migraine-free days. Oddly, those days were not a celebration. Rather, they were a kind of purgatory. I wasn’t sick, but neither was I well. I struggled with PTSD in the aftermath of so many medical emergencies. My husband hovered, perpetually looking for any sign that a brainstem aura may be brewing. I was migraine-free, but we weren’t free to move on.
In this liminal time, I read Suleika’s memoir Between Two Kingdoms, and inspired by it, I decided to plan a remission celebration for day 180. But on day 169, I woke up with one of the worst migraines I’ve ever had. I was devastated. I began to retreat into myself, to remove myself from my life. I left home only for work. That was all.
But sometime early last summer, I woke up without a migraine. And then it happened again. And again. And again. And this time, I didn’t count. And here I am, more than a year later—I don’t know my actual anniversary date—migraine free. I had learned to simply live each day I was given.
Currently I’m in another in-between, as I navigate long Covid. Finding myself isolated within an illness over which I have no control once again—not being able to plan or live my life as I’d like—has worn thin, and I have not been a graceful presence in recent months. To that point, I had navigated life’s challenges by fighting my way through, and long Covid has been no exception.
But so often life brings gifts exactly when they’re needed. On a recent walk in the forest, I was blessed with a new awareness: I could befriend rather than fight, accept rather than resist. I’m not bypassing my illness or emotions; rather, I’m giving them room to breathe and space to be heard, then making a new way forward.
I’m still tenderly finding my way through this shift, learning to walk in a different way. But already I feel stronger, and more feels possible. Each day, I have a choice about what’s important, where my focus will go, and what will serve me best. I suddenly feel like I’m on a good path.
- Misty Watson
