94. Breaking Old Patterns – Vienna Pharaon
It’s been a hard process, confronting the past and trying to break those old patterns, but a beautiful one too.
I was five when my parents separated. Their divorce, which unfolded over nine very long years, was disruptive and damaging. There was anger, rage, manipulation, gaslighting, paranoia, dissociation, emotional flooding, and more.
As an only child, I became quite the observer, watching, noticing, paying close attention to everything. What I saw was a system that was crashing and burning. I saw two adults who were, in their own ways, hanging on by a thread. Thin and weak as that thread was, I wondered: Could the thread handle it if I wasn’t okay too? Could the thread take any more weight?
I decided it couldn’t, and I learned to be “fine” and “good” and “okay.” I didn’t need much—not because I really didn’t, but because I thought I couldn’t. I was too worried everything would crash if I did. Pretend you need nothing and there’s no risk.
As a child, I traded the fact that I wasn’t okay for security. I pretended to not have any needs so that I wouldn’t risk losing love and safety, so I wouldn't jeopardize my relationship with my parents. My adult self repeated that pattern in relationships—until I considered my own role in the system and became aware that the trade was too much.
It’s been a hard process, confronting the past and trying to break those old patterns, but a beautiful one too. This work has been a gateway to my healing, and it has been an honor to hold space as others explore and examine how their family systems have played a part in shaping their beliefs, relational roles, and patterns. I hope you'll join me today in examining this in the prompt below.
– Vienna Pharaon
Prompt:
What did you trade as a child for attachment, safety, or love? Who did you think you needed to be in order to get those things? And how do you see that pattern show up today?
Sebastian Theiss
Location: Siegsdorf, Germany
About: A few weeks ago, during an interview for a college, the professor from the college said, “You are a good fit here“, and I said: “Yeah, I can adapt easily to others.” And she said that I don‘t need to do this. And I thought “Yeah, she is right, why did I just say this. I want to be me and not pretend to be someone else.“ And when thinking about the people that give me love and safety, I realized that those, who know the real me and still like me, are the ones, where I can find those things. That‘s what inspired me while writing this journal entry.
Age: 18
When I was younger, all I wanted, was to be accepted by everyone around me. I wanted to be liked by everyone, friends with everyone. I always tried to adapt to others, so that they would like me and i wouldn’t be left out. But growing up I learned the brutal reality: You can‘t be loved by everyone. There will always be people at school, at your job, in your neighborhood, that you just can‘t seem to get along with. That‘s normal. I still liked to be liked, I think that‘s a natural social attribute of every human being to have, but i don’t try to be liked by others anymore. I started to be my own person, choosing my friend and family. And if you don‘t like me for who I am, then that‘s ok. Like I said, not everyone will like me. But I won‘t change myself for others. Pretending to be someone, I am not. I am me. Some people will like me, some won‘t, but those who do, i can call real friend and family. Those are the people, that give me attachment, safety and love.