72. Why We Hide
Never do anything in secret or anything that you would wish to hide. For the desire to hide anything means that you are afraid, and fear is a bad thing and unworthy of you.
“In history we read of great periods in the life of nations, of great men and women… do you remember how fascinated you were when you first read the story of Jeanne d’Arc, and how your ambition was to be something like her? Ordinary men and women are not usually heroic. They think of their bread and butter, of their children, of their household worries and the like. But a time comes when a whole people become interested in a great cause. Then history helps even simple, ordinary men and women to become heroes...
It is no easy matter to decide what is right and what is not. One little test I shall ask you to apply whenever you are in doubt… Never do anything in secret or anything that you would wish to hide. For the desire to hide anything means that you are afraid, and fear is a bad thing and unworthy of you. Be brave, and all the rest follows.”
- Jawaharlal Nehru, October 26, 1930, from Naini Central Prison in Uttar Pradesh, India
Prompt:
Reflect on the types of things you feel compelled to hide. Maybe it’s some habit around food or a past indiscretion. Maybe it’s something that you worry would make people think less of you—maybe for good reason, maybe not. Your task is not to write about those particular things, but to answer the questions: Where does this impulse come from? How is this connected to what you fear—and why?
Alexia Marsillo
Location: Montreal, Canada
About: I work in communications and as a freelance journalist. The Isolation Journals came at the perfect time for me, as I had just promised myself I would do more personal writing. 72 days into isolation and I was feeling extremely self-reflective. I have learned so much about myself these last few months and I have this project to thank for it. So, thank you.
Age: 26
Why We Hide
Now that I’ve been forced to sit, reflect and write about this and knowing that no one will probably ever read this, I will admit: I hide a lot. I hide how much I eat in front of people, I hide how passionate I am about certain subjects, in front of certain people. I hide when I don’t know something, I hide my truest feelings, I hide how sensitive I actually am. And so on. I do this out of fear – out of fear of being embarrassed (a recurring theme in my 100 days of self-reflection), out of fear of not coming off as “cool” as I’ve let on or as put together or as fun or as smart. I’ve created these versions of myself that I bring out depending on the event, the people I’m with that I think will please the most amount of people (except me, of course). I feel like I don’t belong anywhere so I hide and present the parts of myself that I’ve created to let me feel a part of something.
Susan Diane Akinyi Adongo
Location: Nairobi, Kenya
About: I am a young, Kenyan, medical doctor and budding writer. I discovered my passion for writing on New Year's Eve and haven't stopped since.
Age: 36
As a child and a teenager I thought highly of myself. I don't know why, I just did. I dare say I was haughty. Maybe it had something to do with my upbringing, I don't know. Being an extrovert from birth, I stood out most times. In school I was in the swimming team, the running team, drama club, school choir and a school prefect.
And this went on throughout my life only serving to make me think I was better than others or life had dealt me a fair hand. And then I grew up.
I got into college and met better swimmers and faster runners. There were far more talented actors and actresses and more melodic singers. I felt like an old pair of jeans that had faded and was thrown to the back. I lost my sense of identity. I didn't know who I was anymore. So I walked away from all these things.
I started to search for my identity and I ended up picking up all sorts of habits. I looked for my identity in booze, boys and buddies. I didn't know it then but I may have been going through a quarter life crisis.
Years later some of the things I did stuck or the consequences stuck. Things that I pray never see the light of day. Things that make me wonder who I really am. Things that visit me when the world sleeps.
For now I try to embrace positivity and accept change. On some days I am very hard on myself, on others I just let myself be. But I still don't have the answer to the question: Who am I?